she woke up with a sticky ear
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
