I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
