Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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