It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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