We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
