Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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