i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
