He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
