i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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