remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
