Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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