Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
