Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You need Xanax blowdarts
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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