All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
