If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
