Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Everything about him screamed your future.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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