Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
