you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
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i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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