I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
