come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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