I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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