I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
