How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
