Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
