I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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