Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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