How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
