I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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