your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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