When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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