she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
