i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
