I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
