Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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