I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
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when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.