We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
