i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
