I wish I only lived at night.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
