is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
