Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
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Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
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You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.