I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
