We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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