"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
