in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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