I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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