She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
