i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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