Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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