last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The beer is more important than you right now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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