last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
