Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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