yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
