Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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