I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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