I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
