He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
