took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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